A poem.

The Millstone Around My Neck

Dear God,
I struggle.
Struggle, grapple, struggle, fear,
With/For all
These thoughts,
These desires,
These actions.
This place I hide,
This place inside,
My head.
These secrets
I pretend
Not to have.
This privacy,
I shouldn't need.
But I can't hide
From You.
Temptation vs. Sin?
Thought vs. Action?
Lust is adultery,
Hatred is murder.
Sin is... sin?
Questions with answers.
I don't want...
to hear.
Hide in the dark depths,
Swim in a river,
of Denial.
I don't have any problems.
I don't have any problems.
To admit.
Out loud.
Between You and I, God?
Do I need a voice from a plain human being to tell me,
If I'm wrong or right?
Is it all just black and white?
Lost, so lost,
In a world with conflicting answers...
Hypocrisy. Lies.
Truths. truths.
Tell me, Lord, tell me...
What do I do?
Where do I go next?
Are the other voices too loud?
Am I not listening enough?
Am I not
Still
enough?
Is it harder/easier/20 times more difficult
Than I'm making it to be?
Should I know already?
This life
Isn't about me...
You'll use me,
Wherever I am with You.
You knew/know when I would/am going to feel/feel this way.
My head underwater.
Underwater, muffled answers, muffled questions,
Muffled murmured words.
Not figuring out where to turn.
How to break through the surface.
You know.
I don't.